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 Business as Usual

HumorBy Gus Chow and Sherlyn Meinz
From the FauxNewsDesk

TEHRAN, Iran - World powers on Tuesday gave Iran a package of incentives that includes U.S. nuclear technology to persuade Tehran to curb its uranium enrichment program, and the Islamic republic's initial reaction was relatively upbeat.

Those accusing Iran of building nuclear missiles include Washington, the European Union, as well as others who could not be named. But it is believed that there are others out there somewhere. President Busch was quoted last month as saying:

“Once we find out who the others are, then we can name them. But since we really don't know who they are, or even if there are any others, we will just call them the “Others” for the time being. Should they otherwise identify themselves, a statement will be issued.” ...



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Diplomats told The Ass-icated Press that the new incentives package includes a provision for the United States to supply Tehran with nuclear technology if it stops enriching uranium, in a major concession by Washington.

The apparent breakthrough came last week, when the United States decided to agree to join in multinational talks after viewing Tony Bliar's package, citing a lack of confidence in his ability to remain firm and hard-edged against Iran. Also many of the EU members described Prime Minister's package as lacking energy, strength, vigor, usefulness, stamina, and an ability to hold power on top.

The U.S came up with its own offer after viewing Annie Coulter’s package. State Department spokesman Sean McCormick was asked about what may or may not be in this package. He claimed to have seen Ms. Coulter’s package personally and stated "by God they've included missiles, and that one long range missile - only an insane man would turn down." When pressed about how he felt about providing such a package to potential terrorists, McCormick replied, "I’d sure love to have that thing pointed at me for free, in fact I’ll do my darn-dest to get the Iranians to shove it down my throat!"

The U.S. offer was drawn up Friday in Vienna by American diplomats along with four Fox News anchors, who later proceeded to ride piggy-back on the MSNBC anchors, who tried to barge in.

Busch Administration concubine and self appointed receptionist Condelisa Rice held a press confernce and stated, "if the Iranians are going to blow shit up, they’re going to have to do it with shit they buy from us." The president was in attendance, and it was noted that he was nodding and clapping in agreement, yelling, "Go team!"

U.S. Diplomats, familiar with the details of the situation and each other in very intimate ways, spoke to the A-P on condition of anonymity because they were too drunk to remember their own names. Looking down at name tags seemed to cause problems with dizziness and vomiting.

According to these sources, the incentives package offers other economic and political rewards, such as a guarantee that every American Idol show will have at least one Iranian contestant. Simone will spank Carrot Top on live T.V for everyone’s enjoyment and relief!

In addition a Celebrity version of Survivor will be shot in Iraq during a US bombing raid. George W. Busch will wear a hand woven rug fashioned as a bib during the state of the onion address, and finally the Shah of Iran's kid will have his own talk show carried by a major US network.

It appears that Iran's initial reaction contained none of its usual insistence that it would never give up its right to enrichment. The majority of Iranians were still laughing after learning about Tony Bliar's package. Questions on the streets of Tehran range from "who is Annie Coulter,” to “why does she have an Adam’s Apple", Iranians being generally suspicious people.

Iran is the world's fourth-largest oil exporter and the second-largest producer in the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries. Despite obvious recent diplomatic gains, and Iranian officials repeatedly ruling out using oil as a weapon, recent comments regarding the stoppage of supplies in the event of an attack launched upon them, propelled oil prices to $73 a barrel Monday. This caused great excitement and high hopes among the Bush Administration regarding a return on their profits. Rumpsfelt said, "God Damn right I want higher oil prices, how else am I going to make a profit on the US taxes I spent in Iraq? How can I justify spending billions of dollars of American citizen’s money, not to mention dealing with annoying complaints about ‘collateral damage, mass murders, and torture’ without making billions back for myself?"

Dick Cheny was seen mulling about the White House grounds holding another shotgun chanting "here ducky here ducky ducky…we’re gonna have it all, either way…get Helliburton on the phone, got another big, profitable job or two for them."





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"Business as Usual" | Login/Create an Account | 3 comments | Search Discussion
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Re: Business as Usual (Score: 1)
by Blue1moon on Wednesday, June 07 @ 22:26:00 EDT
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hmm...from "Axis of Evil" to "Potential Trading Partner" after one mention of the obvious supply disruption that would result from a pre-emptive attack. If it wasn't sooo sick, so representative of the b.s. we're constantly expected to swallow - I'd be LoL.



Re: Business as Usual (Score: 1)
by 13thGuard on Thursday, June 08 @ 07:32:37 EDT
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Well there it is, Gus Chow and Sherlyn hit the hypocracy right on the head, the superpower will work with anyone who is willing to put up a fight...



Re: Business as Usual (Score: 1)
by 13thGuard on Saturday, June 10 @ 17:45:50 EDT
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I just heard this in SPOXTalk, I highly recomended.






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