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 Terrorist Plot Thwarted at Hooters

Welcome to Faux Snews Flash. All the news that's good to snews.

Our roving reporter Gus Chau has gone underground to bring us an exclusive terrorist attack that has been completely stamped out thanks to Sheriff Andy Taylor and the Mayberry police. "A terrorist plot to set off explosives in a Hooter's Restroom in Mayberry in October or November of last year was thwarted in its planning stages, and several suspects in the plot have been apprehended," Sheriff Andy Taylor said today.

Deputy Barney Fife, the agent in charge of the Federal Bureau of Investigation's Mayberry office, said at a news conference this afternoon that Smurf officials had taken the plot's "mastermind" into custody in downtown Smurfville and that he had confessed...

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Deputy Fife said that the Mayberry officials had identified the suspect as Saddam Idiot, a 31-year-old Smurf native, and reported that Mr. Idiot had sworn allegiance to Al Jarreauda. Deputy Fife said two of the others had been exploring the pictures of the waitresses at the Hooters in question to see if they matched any of the 70 virgins that await them in Heaven.

The mayor of Mayberry said the thwarted plot illustrated once again why the city deserves more federal funds to counter terrorism.

"This is just another example, in a long line of them, as to why we have to continue to keep our vigilance up, in and around all Hooter bars," he said. "The American government should give out homeland security monies based on obvious risk."

"Even though the plotters all believe they are little, green men with mushroom hats and red bolo shirts," stated Aunt Bea, "We can never underestimate the evil mind of these horrible terrorists. Why, I don't think they even know how to properly drink tea."

But Deputy Fife said the arrests overseas were made at a crucial time. "The plot had matured to the point where these evil-doers were about to go to a phase where they would attempt to have lunch, establish a running tab and attempt to use a stolen American Express card," he said.

A statement issued jointly by the F.B.I. and the Department of Homeland Security earlier today said that while "Al Jarreauda continues to have an interest in attacking Hooters," there is "no specific or credible information that Al Jarreauda has any specific or credible information."

The plot was first reported by The Mayberry Mumbo-Jumbo, which said that Mr. Idiot and an unknown number of other people were planning to detonate a bomb in the Hooter's bathroom in the hopes of flooding their basement.

Sheriff Taylor said that federal, state and local authorities had taken "immediate steps to disrupt the completion of any plot."

Sheriff Taylor acknowledged that the plot did not pose an imminent threat. But he said the London railway bombings, which took place a year ago, showed the importance of well dressed men in uniform in the face of threats, even those in their early stages. "The distance between planning and actual operations is about three miles," he said.

"Sometimes, that causes skeptics to say the threats are not really serious," he said. "But mixing a bomb in a bathtub does not require rocket science."

"We shouldn't let terrorists bully us into not going to Hooters," he said, adding that he believed that Americans were willing to live with "a large, purple dinosaur named Barney." The statement issued by the F.B.I. and Hooters said the investigation was "ongoing" and was being conducted with the help of Disneyland and "other foreign law enforcement and intelligence partners."

Senator I. M. Lying praised the work done by law-enforcement officials and said the arrest in Smurfville was the result of intercepted Internet conversations. "They were caught by people talking," he said. "In this case, stupidity did its job."

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