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 A FEARLESS FORECAST FOR 2006

HumorBy Ray Lemire
WCFR1480AM

At this time of year, it seems like every newspaper and magazine is filled with the top stories of the year.

Way too easy.

We already know what happened this year, but wouldn't you love to know what is going to happen next year?

That's why I'm here, folks. That is exactly why I am here...


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JANUARY
With oil prices still high, President Bush announces he is keeping a wary eye on Japan.
"I know they have oil in that country, and let's be clear about one thing. Japan's economy is a weapon of mass deflation."

The Boston Red Sox, now desperate to find a shortstop, center-fielder and first baseman, decide the best course of action is to hire another Co-General Manager. Club president Larry Lucchino admits this doesn’t solve the on-field problems, but claims having three co-GM’s will appease fans and justify the increase in ticket prices.

Their cold weather advantage gone, the New England Patriots are forced to play indoors in an AFC playoff game against the Indianapolis Colts. Late in the fourth quarter, the RCA Dome in Indianapolis springs a leak during a howling snowstorm. Adam Vinatieri kicks the game-winning field goal in the final seconds.

FEBRUARY
The Red Sox trade Manny Ramirez for another Co-General Manager. Larry Lucchino says ticket prices have to go up again to pay for additional office furniture.

The Patriots win Super Bowl XL when coach Bill Belichick unleashes his secret weapon in the waning moments of the game. Belichick dumps a cooler filled with snow on Vinatieri’s head just seconds before a last second field goal attempt. It works.

MARCH
When a previously unknown supply of oil is discovered in Sweden, President George Bush goes on the offensive, claiming Swedish models are ”weapons of mass distraction.”

At the end of the month, the Red Sox break training camp, still missing a shortstop, center-fielder and first baseman. But Larry Lucchino claims it is all part of his plan.
”We believe the players we have can cover those holes in our defense,” Lucchino says. ”Besides, if we get other players to fill them, we’ll have to raise ticket prices again.”

APRIL
Hillary Clinton visits New Hampshire and proclaims she has always been a New Hampshire Fisher Cats fan.

Another Supreme Court justice resigns. President Bush selects former Vermont Supreme Court Chief Justice Jeff Amestoy as a replacement.
Amestoy says it is a high honor, but declines the opportunity since he is also in the running to become the fifth Co-GM of the Boston Red Sox.

MAY
Hillary Clinton visits Los Angeles and tells the crowd she has been a Los Angeles Dodgers fan her entire life.

An untapped oil reserve is discovered in Italy. President Bush asks for approval to take action, claiming Italy’s constantly changing government leaders are “weapons of mass dysfunction.”

Cindy Sheehan announces her bid for Congress. When asked what her qualifications are, she replies she really doesn’t have any, but since when did that matter to voters?

JUNE
The Boston Red Sox, now 0-51, decide to hire another Co-GM. They pick the only person sitting in the stands.

Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr team up with Julian Lennon and Dhani Harrison to form a new version of The Beatles. Their first concert is held on a roof in downtown Pawtucket, RI.
Hillary Clinton
shows up, wearing a Pawtucket Red Sox cap.
”My favorite team,” she says.

The Boston Celtics win the NBA Championship. Nah, I was just checking to see if you were paying attention.

JULY
Work is finally completed on the new retaining wall on River Street in Springfield.

At Fenway Park, a request for additional baseballs gets misconstrued and slugger David Ortiz is mistakenly traded to the New York Yankees for a minor league shortstop, center-fielder and first baseman.
Red Sox fans revolt and lead a charge on Larry Lucchino’s office. But the 17 Co-General Managers form a barrier outside his office, thwarting the attack. To pay for the damages, Lucchino raises ticket prices.

Democrats, anxious to have an “unbeatable name” on the 2008 presidential ballot, start a drive to amend the U.S. Constitution (Article II, Section I, which states, “No person except a natural born citizen…shall be eligible to the office of President.”)
According to DNC Chairman Howard Dean, ”Our plan is to place U-2's Bono on the 2008 ballot.”
President Bush calls it a ”ridiculous plan. Don’t they realize Sonny is dead?”

AUGUST
The Beatles head into the recording studio to record a new album, ”Let it Beatle (Again)”. When Julian Lennon strolls into the Abbey Road studio with his new bride—a Japanese artist—Paul McCartney, screaming, ”Oh no,” runs into the street, where he is hit by the same VW Beetle that appeared on the ”Abbey Road” album cover.

The town of Springfield scores a major victory when it is announced that several major store chains want to expand the Springfield Shopping Plaza. The anticipated increase in traffic means roads will have to be widened.
The retaining wall on River Street is torn down.

SEPTEMBER
With the minor league players leading the charge, the Red Sox tear off 73 straight wins. Fenway Park is sold out for every game.
Hillary Clinton announces her family has long been loyal to the team.
Larry Lucchino raises ticket prices.

When three oil barrels are found behind the New York Home for The Criminally Insane, a full-scale military assault is ordered by President Bush. He says the inmates there are “weapons of mass delusion.”

Bono becomes a naturalized U.S. citizen. President Bush says, ”Oh, that Bono.”

OCTOBER
With political campaigns in full gear, Cindy Sheehan, in an attempt to attract voters of all races, tries to reach out to Jesse Jackson and his Rainbow Coalition for help. Unfortunately, her staff contacts the Rainbow Connection instead, and Kermit The Frog shows up.
The plan works. Nearly 90% of all green voters in California claim they now support Sheehan.

The Boston Red Sox beat the New York Yankees in the American League Championship Series when Johnny Damon trips over his own ego.
To accommodate all the fans who are now clamoring for World Series tickets, Larry Lucchino decides to hire a construction company to build temporary seating.
One of the 47 Co-General Managers of the Red Sox retains the services of the same company responsible for building the retaining wall on River Street in Springfield.

NOVEMBER
The Democrats sweep to overwhelming victories in both the U.S. Senate and U.S. House races. President Bush exacts his revenge by shutting down all of the major networks (with the exception of FOX News), claiming they are all “weapons of mass disinformation.”

Springfield suffers a shocking setback when the planned expansion of the plaza falls through.
Orders are issued to rebuild the retaining wall on River Street.

Congressman-Elect Cindy Sheehan, bolstered by the strong turnout of green voters in California, pays a courtesy call on the White House. President Bush excuses himself to go to the men’s room, and stays there for the rest of the month.

The Boston Red Sox win the 2006 World Series when Nomar Garciappara of the Los Angeles Dodgers trips over the foundation of the temporary seating section being built by the same company now busy rebuilding the retaining wall on River Street in Springfield.
Larry Lucchino, speaking for himself and the 582 Co-General Managers, says it is a proud day…and promptly raises ticket prices for next season.

DECEMBER
President Bush finally reemerges from the White House men’s room. Cindy Sheehan is still sitting outside.

The company rebuilding the retaining wall on River Street in Springfield finally finishes the temporary seating section at Fenway Park.

Hillary Clinton begins a 50-state campaign swing for 2008. During this tour, she will announce that whichever state she is in has always made her feel right at home.

Bono comes to the conclusion Americans are more than just a little nuts and returns to Ireland.

Ray Lemire, in a desperate attempt to find something to write about for the WCFR web site, comes up with another lengthy and utterly ridiculous article on predictions for 2007.


************

Ray Lemire has over 15 years in the radio business. After broadcasting over 1,000 high school games for several Vermont and New Hampshire radio stations, he decided it was time to 'come back home' to Springfield so he could pretend to be a DJ. You can hear him sing twice an hour during the 'Heather & Ray Show' weekdays from 6:00-9:00 on WCFR1480AM



Note: ROFLOL - Thanks Ray




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